Titkellem Bl-Ingliz?

Hi folks,

You know when I blog - when I'm feeling sufficiently emotional enough to share. This is possibly why I went into acting - here was a job where life is scripted. You know exactly what's going to happen, and you don't even have to be yourself (unless you're Hugh Grant of course, who's never acted as anyone other than Hugh Grant in all his career). So you see, my very own deepest darkest usually I strive to remain deep and dark, masked by a facade of...shallow and light...

But as usual, my need to write things down takes over.  So here goes:

I'm scared. There's so so much fear, and wasn't it once said, "A life lived in fear, is a life half lived"?. I wish I could relax and go with the flow more, believe Luke when he tells me for the gazillionth time that everything's going to be okay. Essentially, I need to just get a grip. Theorectically, a breeze. In practice, an F5 tornado.

So, yes, my quest for a job here continues. To confirm, I have been going round everywhere where I have skills, highlighting that sales, especially those on telephones, are not my strength. AT ALL. Then one of the agencies calls back, with: we've got the perfect job for you, it's making sales on the telephone! Uh-huh.

I'm starting to wonder what language I'm speaking, as increasingly a lot of what I'm saying to anyone around here is either going straight over their head or is completely lost in translation. So now I'm learning Maltese as fast as my grey matter will carry me, in an attempt to be actually useful to anyone on this island now. It's worth noting at this stage that Maltese is possibly one of the hardest languages to learn if you haven't spoken it from birth: there are no rules whatsoever. It's usually spoken at a rate of circa 357mph. In several dialects. Oh, and to make me feel even more like the geek at a cheerleader's party: but for myself, everyone, absolutely everyone, with no exception whatsoever, speaks it. Now I know what those chaps who had to figure out the Enigma code felt like.

So I'm scared and frustrated and all sorts of things. I just need God to say to Himself; "you know what? After all I did to make sure Laura got to this island, I'd better make sure she's not forced to leave. Hmmm.... *buzzes secretary, Gabriel*.. Gaby, yeah, can you put an amend on that agenda for tomorrow's meeting, I need it to read a new action point, yeah, number 6, errr... God to grant Laura Best immediate gift of the Maltese tongue, so she can get a decent job. Oh, and, find her a decent job, with no phones. Ok? Thanks, Gaby, you're an angel". Blasphemous, possibly, but you get my point. And God's my mate so He can take it.

I hereby promise that my next blog post with not only be cheerful, but also soon. Thanks for sticking with the rant, I feel better now.

Loz xxx

Wasted time = wasted life

Found this, must must must share as it's made me smile today:

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch!
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special..
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s,we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio.

Love it!

Loz xxx

I believe I can fly

Hello campers!

I write this sat in the departure lounge of Malta airport about to go back to the UK for the big Bestie extravaganza. I must say that I'm marvelling at the first time in my life using a wifi spot, enjoying the fact that it actually works. Wow. From what I've heard in the past, wifi spots are just for show and are about as functional as a chocolate teapot. Still, here I am, and I'm impressed.

It's quite telling that it takes me sat stranded at a departure gate with minimal equipment to write a fresh blog for you on here. Yes, my life is that crazy. Trust me, I'm a busy bunny: further job-hunting, filming, writing, family, boyfriend... phew! I must, however, give a dedication to my wonderful boyfriend at this point: throughout all the craziness of my existence he demonstrates alarming amounts of sympathy, patience and thoughtfulness for an actual straight male, combined with a paranormal capacity to make me laugh just as I'm about to throw something. Yes ladies, I finally found one: A Nice Guy inc.! They do exist, although worryingly near to extinction as a species. And I found him first so hands off. I'm a happy camper at long long last - hazaa!!!

Other news? Hmm not much, other than my usual fluctuating hair colours and of course that my book is coming along nicely... although it's going to take some real discipline if I'm going to be successful with it. Heigh-ho, if it's meant to be. It helps that from the start I've had real conviction that the material is very good, even if I do say so myself. It's a gripping story, with a interesting premise and an original stance, and it's a book I wish I could buy and read right now, so I'd be doing myself a disservice if I didn't at least try to get the damn thing written down and in all good bookshops near you.

Alrighty, must dash (or is that fly? ;D )

Loz xxx

New Blog Background...

... what do you think? You like it? I do.

xxx

Older, wiser, sexier

My blogs are getting very few and far between I've noticed. In the time period since my last blog, so very much has happened that I find it increasingly difficult to summarise it through words, which it very unlike me as words are my power somewhat.

Oh so much has happened. I'd better do this in chronological order (kind of):

I resigned the job. This was the best decision for me, as my health was, and still is somewhat, in such a mess that something had to give. Over the next few months I'm going to have some fun with tests and such to see what's going on, but until we get to that point I have determined to enjoy every second of life to the fullest: so that job had to go. So now I'm jobhunting again, looking for administrative/support/strategy positions in Malta as a priority as that is more my area than sales and such. If anyone hears of anything like this, please let me know. And of course prayers all please.

So that happened on the Monday. Adjustment and jobhunting ensued for only 3 days before tragedy struck on the Friday: my Auntie suddenly, and tragically, passed away. She was using her treadmill as usual, she reached over to switch on her fan due to the heat and she was electrocuted. I was out on a date with Rhino during the day so noone could get in touch with me, so I only found out at 9.30ish at night, whereas this all happened at lunchtime. I can't begin to imagine what my family, including my cousins, must have gone through on that day. The funeral was on Sunday, which I will, as a massive understatement, describe as truly terrible. So, it's a day at a time now, and my thoughts are always with my cousins especially who have lost their ma. Prayers prayers please.

So that was Sunday, and then Tuesday was my birthday. And somewhat unexpectedly in the circumstances, this turned out to be the best birthday of my entire life to date. I woke and opened my pressies with Rhino, who popped by on his way to work, then I went to get my hair blow-dried, which is always bliss thanks to a 17 year old shampooist with the hands of a Greek God. With newly coiffed hair I returned home and fielded the avalanche of emails and texts from people sending me birthday greetings (note to self: employ a secretary next year) then I was picked up and whisked away to Mamma Mia for lunch with Shirl, Saz, Uncle Tom and nana. Lovely to see them all, I had the yummiest steak ever (medium rare mmmmm) and I got a whizzy Wok, money and cards. From there Saz drove me to Sliema where I was allowed to potter about the shops for a full 3 hours undisturbed. I bought shoes and a pair of jeans from the sale rail IN MY SIZE. Wonders never cease! Walked home, had a cuppa, dolled up a bit again and then I was picked up for a dinner with Saz and Jon. 

OR SO I THOUGHT!!! For as I walked through the door of Henry J Beans I was greeted by 35 people all jumping out at me! I couldn't believe it - Saz and her spreadsheets had done it again and organised a surprise party for me! I was overwhelmed to see so many people show up on a Tuesday just for me - you must understand this has never, ever, happened before, not to me! I got pressies, I got to mingle with everyone, and Rhino was there too thus debunking the whole "Mystery Man" thing at last to pretty much everyone I know all at once (poor guy, but he really took it in his stride, more so than I did and I knew everyone there!). By the way, Rhino's real name is Luke, but I've always kind of known him as his nickname. Long story. He's still requesting to be called Mystery Man every so often as well - something tells me he secretly enjoyed that a little bit. Men! :)

Alrighty, well methinks that's all I have to update you on. I have a stinking cold as well at the mo and have now totally lost my voice which is tremendous fun as you can imagine - although my interpretation of "Smelly Cat" is second to none at the moment. 

So... sniff sniff, and ta ta. Loz xxx

Lady Loz needs Lady Luck

Well, it's been a while hasn't it pets?

Today I'm on day one of my "scheduled weekend" (today actually being a Tuesday) so I'm doing Saturday things: watching the entire series 3 of Primeval (onto that in a sec), doing the laundry in which I dye my knickers blue by accidentally washing them with my jeans again, cooking (sort of) etc etc etc. 

All this does mean that the real weekend coming up I will therefore be working throughout. Number 327 on the why-this-job-ain't-right-for-me list. Ah well. I have applied for a course with the British College of Journalism so at least there is something to work towards there. But about my current job: on paper, it looked like the dream organisation: pay is good, shifts ok, english-speaking, security, la la la yada yada Yoda. But in practice it's like a bad version of school - everyone's afraid of the headmistress, you're watched like a hawk, every second is timed. I do not thrive or perform well in these conditions. I thrive whilst working with adults, not children, or adults behaving like children. Those in my last job in England, even with all the issues in that organisation: thank your lucky stars because you've got it soooo easy. Miss you guys xxx

So here I am with my blue knickers on a Tuesday. A twin-tub doth not a domestic goddess make.

On the plus side: I've started dating again (sort of). I had a lovely date with a nice man on Sunday in which we went round museums and saw Harry Potter. Those of you who know me well know that this is in fact a very good date for me, although it wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea. It was a charming day, there may or may not be a second date, and that's all you need to know.

Yes, AHA!, I have learnt from my catastrophic dating mistakes of old: this time no-one will be getting any names or any information of any kind. My family will not meet this man or even know his name. In fact his name will not be uttered. His existence denied. There will be no talk of the fact that I have made myself available again, no mention of "the future" (dreadful phrase), no mention that I am at last attempting to heal, or at least ignore, the scars that Michael et al have left in their wake. I have taken a leaf out of Uncle Tom's book, in that all dating anything with regards to me is a closed topic. It's private, and it will remain that way for a long, long time. Any questions? I didn't think so.

Oh yeah, Primeval... here's a little note to the ITV bosses about cancelling this amazing ratings-winning show before Series 4: Get ready for the breadline. Because that's where you'll be if you don't actually start listening to the audience (you know, those little people who pay you and put food on your table?). We don't want more Heartbeat, more Coronation Street, more beeping beeping vomit-inducing X Factor. We want quality television like Primeval. What will it take for you people to wake up and grow some business sense? If it ain't broke don't fix it!

Here endeth the Primeval rant. :)

So I ask for your prayers people. Pray that I can find a job here that I don't dread in the morning, that pays my rent and thus keeps me in Malta. Pray that my heart can heal and I can actually allow myself to trust guys again. Pray that my blue knickers will go back to white someday. Pray that the ITV bosses will see the light and un-cancel Primeval. There's a lot to pray for here so if it makes you feel better I shall pray for your sore knees as a thank you. :)

Loz xxx

On my dark side

Yes, I know I've not blogged in ages. Please refer to previous blogs for suitable apologies on this subject.

But today, at last, I have something to say, so here I am once more. Today's topic of discussion: depression and assumed identities. A big title for something that will ultimately be quite a mediocre observation, so fear not.

Righto then, here we go. I'll start with the assumed identities bit. There was an amazing talk given by a speaker at the girls day last week, which I found to be universely useful and interesting in content. There was one particular point which really hit home for me though: the observation that people, especially people of our sort of age, assume different identities according to where they are, who they are with, even which medium of communication they are using at the time, even to the extent that we give each of these sides of our character different names, so it's almost like we become this whole other person. In my case this is more than true: the many "me's" are as follows: Lady Loz (on here), Bestie (certain male mates), Laura (at work), Loz (by my family). 

It's no wonder I get confused, no wonder that with so many identities there's still some confusion about who I really am, what I am really like, what my tastes are, as even at the grand old age of 26 next month I'm still not sure. Also interesting is my reaction when someone tries to call me a nickname out of context: I find it odd when someone calls me Loz in the work environment, for example. That person doesn't belong in that building, almost. I think this concept also plays a part in my confusion in what I'm actually compatible with in terms of a partner: I'm so many different people, how can anyone fit with all the me's? This explains a lot, I must say. 

I'd like to point out at this stage that I have no solution for this multiple identity problem. Ah well, at least I'm aware of it, half the battle.

And talking of admission being half the battle, onto my next pondering for today: depression. Ah yes, the curse of the smiley people: most of us are actually screaming inside, usually for no tangible reason. I am one of these people - a couple of years back you know I had real problems with this, which my family helped me through as always. I call that time "the darkness" because that's all I remember experiencing: it was like walking through life with the lights out. All hope gone. But slowly, I let the light in, thank God. 

But it's always at the back of my mind, that fear of the darkness returning - yes, I'm allowed low days like everyone, but I have to be careful I don't get too low, or I doubt I'll be able to pull myself out again. I'm determined never to have to go near the drugs again that's for sure, they were dreadful. And at the moment because I'm not too happy at work just yet, I'm really worried that that darkness is going to ebb in when I'm not looking. There I said it. But the fear of it can contribute to it, so I'm not going to be afraid. Pray for me, peeps!

And I have things to hope for to keep me in the light: great friends; I still absolutely love living here; writing my book continues to be a really exhausting but freeing exercise and even a year early the excitement for Saz's wedding has started now the preparations have officially started in earnest. There's a lot I have to remind myself I'm blessed with. Please God let me remember that.

And in the words of the late great Freddie Mercury: "Inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flaking but my smile still stays on - the show must go on".

I'm actually quite normal really. Honest. :)

Night night, Loz xxx